How to Deal With the Dreaded Spicy Butt
Spicy Butt (n.) - An uncomfortable, burning butthole sensation resulting from eating spicy food.
With that out of the way, let's get down to business. You're not going to stop eating spicy food—it's delicious.
But wouldn't it be nice if you didn't get a four alarm burning sensation every time you poop the next day after eating something with hot sauce in it? What's a guy to do?
You could dip your ass in a bowl of cold milk or yogurt, but we don't want your roommates to ask you to move out.
The problem is the effects of spicy food are mostly unavoidable. Capsaicin, the compound in hot pepper that causes all that heat, can't be fully digested by humans. So no matter what you do, traces are going to come out the other end, hence spicy butt.
If you're wondering why you would feel the same sensations on your butthole as you do in your mouth after Taco Tuesday, well, it's because your mouth and your butt are more similar than you think.
The skin on your lips and your balloon knot have the same pain receptors that recognize the heat of capsaicin, which send the signals to your brain that it isn't cool. Your body responds by trying to turn the heat down, hence the sweating after that spicy curry.
Now that you know why your have spicy butt, here's what you can do to reduce its effects:
- Hit up your grandpa for some Metamucil and throw some down before or after you're eating spicy food. The fiber will soak up some of the fatty acids in your gut that cause irritation on the way out.
- This is going to sound stupid, but eat spicy food more often. You can develop a tolerance for capsaicin after eating spicy food regularly for about three weeks. Now maybe your mouth and brown eye don't freak out every time you eat something hot. Plan a spicy food hell week and see if you can't take the edge off.
- Wash your butt with soap and water. If you can hop in the shower after you drop a blazing deuce, you can douse some of the flames. Apply some body powder after to soothe your situation in your third pit. Oh, and don't over-do it with the toilet paper.
- Stay away from the leftovers. Unless you're trying to reduce your heat sensitivity, don't go back to the well. Eating more spicy food is literally adding fuel to your fire, so take a breather and eat some bread, or whatever fits your macros.
Walking around with spicy butt is no one's idea of a good time. In fact, when most people come down with a case of the spicies they usually just sit in a chair and wait it out while biting their lip in agony.
But now you have some options for dealing with this scourge. You no longer have to suffer in silence simply because you can't stop yourself from eating Thai food when you're drunk. So get back out there and spread the word that spicy butt is no longer something to fear.