Why Is Your Butthole So Itchy?

by EL DUDERINO January 31, 2019

It won't stop itching, and with every step it's getting more intense. Your butthole is begging your finger to give it some relief.

But there's no way you can risk getting caught picking your ass by your date. You still have at least 3 more blocks till you get to the bar, duck into the bathroom, and dig for gold.

For the next few minutes you're stuck with the psychic terror of an itchy butthole, meditating on what you did wrong to endure such a fate.

You blame many culprits — the Indian food you ate for lunch, not wiping enough (or too much), and wearing crappy underwear — but it doesn't matter because you can't even name the enemy: pruritis ani.

 

 

It means "itchy anus" in Latin. According to the Cleveland Clinic, pruritus ani affects up to 5% of the population, and is 4 times more likely to occur in men.

Pruritis ani creates a vicious circle of itchy hell, because when you scratch your b-hole it causes little tears that also begin to itch, which cause you to scratch even more.

So what can you do to prevent this terrible pox from inhabiting your third pit?

First, you have to get your wipe game under control. The most common reason for an itchy butthole is wiping too hard.

When you wipe too hard, your b-hole gets irritated and sensitive, causing you to scratch like a crack addict.

 

 

For the violent wipers out there, a possible consequence worse than itchiness is hemorrhoids, which are swollen veins in your anus that are much more painful than any itch you've experienced before.

There are also clean freaks who scrub their third pit so hard while showering it causes dry skin and itchiness. Might we suggest cooling it on the scrubbing and investing in some moisturizing soap or body wash.

On the other side of the wiping spectrum, when you don't wipe enough your b-hole becomes irritated from the remaining flecks of poop and starts to itch.

If you think you're wiping just right, it's probably the tools that are causing the problem — upgrade from the cheap, 1-ply sandpaper nonsense you're using now.

The last common culprit to watch out for is excess moisture in the grundle area. Unresolved swass issues allow fungus to grow and skin to break down, leading to irritation. Make sure you towel off well after showering and invest in cotton or moisture-wicking underwear to reduce your swamp levels. If that fails, there's no shame in the powder game.

 

 

So the next time you experience the torture of not being able to scratch this forbidden itch, remember it's probably one of three things:

1. You're wiping too hard.

2. You're wiping too little.

3. You have swamp ass.

Of course, there could be other causes like eating particularly spicy food.Your laundry detergent could also be causing contact dermatitis, which is a skin condition that causes a rash and itching. Switching out your detergent for something that is fragrance and dye-free will likely do the trick.

Having an occasional butthole itch is fine, it happens to all of us. But if it becomes a chronic "thing," there are some basic steps you have to take so you're not walking around picking your ass all day. You've got a day to crush, the last thing you need is an an itchy butt to throw you off your game.