It was a quiet night at DUDE headquarters when our Deuce Signal went off — a report had surfaced that another wipeless DUDE had fallen victim to a public shart attack.
Archie Bradley, the dominant setup man for the Arizona Diamondbacks who is sporting a 2.03 ERA with 40 strikeouts in 44 ⅓ innings pitched, relayed a story on Yahoo Sports’ MLB Podcast that he had pooped himself while trying to take a “nervous pee” right before entering a game.
Archie tried to clean up his mess before the game, but didn’t get the job done. He said it was, “the most uncomfortable [he’s] ever been on the mound.”
He somehow pitched a clean inning and revealed his predicament to his teammates in the dugout, who didn’t believe him until they could confirm it with his bullpen mates.
There was even some investigative reporting done by Fangraphs’ Meg Rowley, with a thoroughness that hasn’t been seen since the Kennedy assassination. Meg was able to deduce from the details Bradley gave in the podcast that the offending poop had occurred during a May 5th game against the Astros.
Our social team immediately sprung into action and hooked Archie up with enough Dude Wipes to keep him pitching clean innings for the rest of the season.