Have an itchy ass?
Ever look at the TP after you wipe and see some red?
Walk around with a burning B-hole?
You might be among a growing contingent of poor souls with Polished Anus Syndrome. It's a relatively recent phenomenon that was coined by the American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons, who are finding more and more patients coming in with irritated brown eyes. PAS affects up to 5% of Americans, especially men and middle-aged folks.
This comes as no surprise to us. We're well aware DUDES are awful at wiping, which is why we lay out how to do so properly in embarrassing detail here.
PAS occurs when wipers get overzealous, wiping until their butts bleed. It can also be caused by the use of irritating soaps or lotions.
Unfortunately, some of us aren't taught proper wiping technique as kids, or feel like we can never get our third pit clean, especially if we're hairy.
If you dare to think deeper about this problem, it's not surprising doctors are seeing this more often. Bidets aren't popular in America and you can't always shower right after you drop a deuce, so we're left with taking two-play sandpaper to a very sensitive area and smearing poop around. Not exactly the most enlightened form of cleanliness.