Dudes, You're Wiping Your Butt Wrong

June 11, 2018

We’ve heard of every technique in the book: front-to-back, back-to-front, side-to-side, the swirl, and the stand-and-spread. For something we all do daily, it’s amazing how wrong Dudes can go when wiping.

To settle this once and for all, here are the five things you must do for the perfect wipe, every time.

1. Get Your Swipe Right

The fundamental thing that people go wrong with when wiping is the direction of their swipe. Logistically, it would seem obvious that front-to-back would be the way to go, but you’d be wrong. A disturbing amount of people stand-and-spread then wipe it up. Another sector of degenerates go from back-to-front, risking spackling your nether regions with doo doo.

Repeat after us: front to back, don’t be afraid to look back.

2. Be Gentle

You aren’t sanding down a new deck, you’re dealing with some very sensitive skin. So be gentle, even if it takes a couple more rounds of wiping. If you’re getting impatient, there are the miracles of Snapchat and Instagram to keep you occupied while you’re digging for gold. We aren’t just saying this, doctor dudes warn you can irritate your o-ring, or even worse, cause painful conditions like hemorrhoids.

3. Wipe Until It’s White

Don’t be afraid to look at the evidence. The easiest way to prevent post poop problems is by making sure you’re not leaving anything behind. A lot of people are too grossed out to look at what they’re wiping out, but there’s nothing wrong with inspecting your wiping results. It’s the best way to ensure a clean sweep, so don’t feel any shame with wipe checks.

4. Don’t Get Too Creative

There are many, many internet wormholes you can go down to find bizarre ways people have cleaned their third hole. For example, there’s a guy that tested things like corncobs, socks, newspaper, and smooth rocks to wipe, with understandably varying results.

Others have shaved their nether regions in hopes of having an easier time after pooping, but we’ve already covered how hazardous that can be to your day to day. There’s no need to incorporate more than toilet paper, a bidet, and wipes. Anything else is simply uncivilized.

5. Finish The Job

Over half of Americans won’t even use a bidet if it’s there. We’re still miles behind other cultures when it comes to fresh water cleanliness, but we’re catching up in one essential way: Wipes. According to Men’s Health, Howard Stern is on board, saying, “You can’t get anything out with dry paper.”

Would you wash your face with a dry washcloth? Of course not. Then why clean your two hole with the equivalent of sandpaper? DUDE wipes are the answer for sealing off the perfect wipe and giving you a clean getaway from a messy movement. There’s no need to be barbaric when it comes to wiping, so up your game and grab some DUDE Wipes to stay fresh out there .