Welcome to the first of what we at DUDE Products hope to be a recurring feature: Tales from the Throne.
We’ve gone deep on some unfortunate public pooping events, like the time we saved Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Archie Bradley’s ass. We’ve found this topic and others like it to have a deep bowl of material, and with your help we’re hoping to make it a recurring part of the DUDE programming.
So before we get into some stories we’ve collected from the interwebs, feel free to send us your worst poop stories to email@example.com or send us a message on Facebook. Don’t worry we won’t use your last name...unless you want us to. Now, on to the hilarity.
A few weeks ago, we came across a Snap message involving a dude named Jacob who was caught in Kohl’s needing to drop a deuce.
He walked into the bathroom at the same time another guy who needed to go #2. As they scurried into their respective stalls, a “game of chicken” began to see who was going to let loose first.
But Jacob had diarrhea, and he was, “sweating bullets, like actual sweat dripping down my face, Michael Jordan flu game,” sweating. He wasn’t going to win this showdown, so he finally just let it rip, much to the delight of his new comrade. His stall-mate had a good laugh and said, “Thank god,” before ripping his own fart. Jacob described what came next as an “orchestra of diarrhea” between the two of them.
This story shows the ingenuity only a young child could express:
“When I was a little kid, my dad went into a grocery store and left me out in the car. I had to take a shit. I waited and waited and waited but my dad never came...So I took a dump on the floor of the car and then used his ice scraper to shovel it out the door. When my dad got back to the car, he stepped on it.”
“I once took a shit so strong and mighty, that after multiple failed flushes I had to get a Chipotle plastic knife and cut it up in the bowl so it could flush.”
When Zac was 13 he was practicing for his local swim team when a, “slight stomach cramp soon turned into a 12-alarm bowel evacuation order.”
He was facing a walk the length of a football field, but he would soon have much bigger problems:
“I made one step out of the pool when suddenly, a gallon of shit filled my tiny Speedo to the brim like a water balloon. It was the consistency of wet concrete. To keep it in, I had to hold down the edges of my Speedo as best I could...all the while shit was filling every square inch of it.
Miraculously, I made it to a stall before any leaked out. I peeled it off and the mess went everywhere...much like when you’re filling a water balloon and drop it before tying a knot. I wiped off my legs as best I could, then flushed the Speedo down the toilet with surprisingly no issues. I ran to the showers without looking back. Once I got home, I told my mom that someone stole my Speedo and I needed a new one.
I quit the swim team shortly after.”
Someone was eating a Subway sandwich in the adjacent stall. He had his meal laid out on the floor in front of him while he did his business.
We think you get the idea. For some of these poor souls, there’s simply nothing that could be done to improve their fate, it was already sealed by the digestive gods.
But some of them could have been saved—especially in the cleanup phase—with a single DUDE Wipe. Next time you’re heading out, take a moment to think about those we’ve lost to BM tragedies, and pack a wipe, lest you become a victim to the whims of your GI tract.
Also, remember to send us your funniest tales of fecal woe to feel free to send us your worst to firstname.lastname@example.org or send us a message on Facebook.