Why You Shouldn't Look At Your Phone When You Poop

August 01, 2018

In the old days, the clearest signal to indicate you were about to drop a deuce was carrying a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom. Your dad had to go analog, flipping through the business section, or reading the latest issue of Sports Illustrated. This time was used for precious moments of solitude and silence, hiding from you—or his boss.

Our generation of DUDES has gone digital, with the entirety of human knowledge at our fingertips. Throw in addictive social apps, and it’s no surprise we’re all swiping on our phones while we go #2. A recent study found that 90% of people bring their phones into the bathroom. Some DUDES have even gone so far to sit down when they pee, just so they can check Instagram.

While it may seem harmless, looking at your phone is deceptively dangerous. After reading this post you may be more comfortable staring at your phone while crossing the street than using it on the toilet.

Here’s why.

Too Much Toilet Time = Third Hole Problems

Your time on the toilet should definitely be less than 10 to 15 minutes. If you’re wondering how often you should be dropping the kids off at the pool, read our rather thorough breakdown here.

We don’t blame you for making that cheddar while you take a long poop at work. However, if you’re gambit gets out of hand, all that time on the throne can lead to hemorrhoids. Trust us, you don’t want those. They’re bulging blood vessels around your third hole that can be mighty painful.

But that’s not all.

Focusing on those Instagram pics or reading those tweets can psych you out and get your body out of “poop mode.” The technical term is called the peristalsis wave, which for us DUDES means the signals and movements your body gives off to ignite your need to go.

If you’re engrossed in the latest Kanye drama on Twitter and don’t go when your body is sending those signals, the peristalsis wave can reverse. This causes your stool to go back into your colon, which can cause constipation.

Your Phone Is Covered In Germs

Remember when news shows would swab payphones and doorknobs to test them for germs and scare you into becoming a hypochondriac?

Well, your phone likely carries more germs than a toilet. When was the last time you disinfected it? Never? Cool. In the bathroom your phone can pick up all sorts of nasty germs, including E. coli and actual fecal matter.

Doctor DUDES recommend not even taking your phone into the bathroom. If you can’t resist, keep it in your pocket and don’t pull it out until you wash your hands, especially after a deuce.

There’s yet another good reason to keep your phone holstered until you’re off the throne. According to one study, 19 percent of people have dropped their phone in the toilet before—no bueno.

All this might be disappointing to hear for those of us who enjoy our phone time on the toilet. But here’s the thing—we’re all addicted to our phones. Think of your toilet time as an opportunity to not only clear your colon, but also your head. Unplugging for 10-15 minutes everyday can be useful in developing the self-control to check your phone less throughout the day.

So instead of putting your phone in your pocket before you hit the throne, bring a DUDE wipe—you’ll leave the bathroom with your third hole and mind feeling fresher than ever.