Have an itchy ass?
Ever look at the TP after you wipe and see some red?
Walk around with a burning B-hole?
You might be among a growing contingent of poor souls with Polished Anus Syndrome. It's a relatively recent phenomenon that was coined by the American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons, who are finding more and more patients coming in with irritated brown eyes. PAS affects up to 5% of Americans, especially men and middle-aged folks.
This comes as no surprise to us. We're well aware DUDES are awful at wiping, which is why we lay out how to do so properly in embarrassing detail here.
PAS occurs when wipers get overzealous, wiping until their butts bleed. It can also be caused by the use of irritating soaps or lotions.
Unfortunately, some of us aren't taught proper wiping technique as kids, or feel like we can never get our third pit clean, especially if we're hairy.
If you dare to think deeper about this problem, it's not surprising doctors are seeing this more often. Bidets aren't popular in America and you can't always shower right after you drop a deuce, so we're left with taking two-play sandpaper to a very sensitive area and smearing poop around. Not exactly the most enlightened form of cleanliness.
One thing we do not recommend pursuing as a solution is what one dermatologist suggested to Mental Floss:
Fill up a spray water bottle and have it ready at your toilet. When you poop, grab some toilet paper and dampen it — then wipe. After you've cleaned yourself, kindly throw your wet, shit smeared paper towel in your trash.
Now we admit DUDES may act like savages from time to time, but even we must draw a line in the sand at some point.
We're not saying to clog your toilet and flush paper towel down the toilet, we suggest not ever using paper towel to wipe your shitty ass.
Now, if you do suffer from PAS from time to time, doctors suggest using hemorrhoid cream or a medicated pad to reduce the irritation.
A more effective solution that doesn't require carrying around a bidet bottle all day are DUDE Wipes. They're alcohol and paraben free, so they won't irritate your third pit. Instead, we've added Aloe and Vitamin E to give your sensitive parts the spa-like treatment they deserve. Join us in the fight to eradicate the pox that is PAS, and welcome to civilization, DUDE.