The Beginner’s Guide to Using a Bidet
Over the past 400 years, people across Europe, Asia, South America, and the Middle East have cleansed their nether regions with bidets, but Americans are just now hopping on the bidet bandwagon—and for good reason.
Toilet paper just smears fecal matter around your undercarriage whereas water actually eliminates it. That’s common sense. However, if you’ve relied solely on wiping your whole life, using a bidet for the first time might seem confusing.
Is it a pain in the ass to install?
How much water pressure do you need?
Do you still need to wipe afterwards?
We’ll answer these questions and more so you can blast your ass with confidence.
For the uninitiated, a bidet is a bathroom appliance that uses water to clean your balls, butt, and gooch after you drop a deuce. Most bidets hook up to your bathroom’s clean water supply (not dirty toilet water), so it’s basically like a shower for your ass—or a power wash, depending how aggressive you want to get.
Bidet means “short-legged horse” in French, which is a reference to how you straddle a bidet toilet seat. However, bidets have changed a lot since their original purpose of cleaning the buttholes of French nobility.
Whether you’re traveling to Europe (bidets are mandatory in Italy) or you’re thinking about adding a bidet to your home throne, every dude should know how to use one. There are five basic types of bidets you need to know about, so let’s get you up to speed.
How to Use an Electric Bidet
Electronic bidet toilets, which are commonly found in Japan, are the most high-tech bidets on the market. But don’t let all the remote controls and buttons overwhelm you.
Most electric bidets have a “wash” button, which you’ll press to start the cleaning process. Depending on the model, you may also have the choice of warm water or cold water, custom aiming, an air dryer, and even a heated seat.
Once you find a setting that’s comfortable for you, let the bidet spray somewhere between 30 seconds and a minute to get the job done. The control panels on an electric bidet might look more robust than your TV remote. Don’t be afraid to experiment, but make sure you don’t scald your butt with hot water.
How to Use a Bidet Attachment
Non-electric bidet attachments, like the DUDE Wiper 1000, are quickly becoming the bidet of choice in the United States. Instead of having to buy a whole new toilet, this bidet seat hooks onto any toilet and connects to your bathroom’s clean water supply—no plumber required.
Non-electric bidets are operated with a single knob that controls the water pressure and function. Specifically, the DUDE Wiper 1000 features dual-action blasters that let you choose between a targeted butt spray or refreshing mist from the self-cleaning, retractable sprayer nozzle.
If you can read, you’ll have a clean ass—guaranteed.
How to Use a Handheld Bidet
Also known as a “bidet spray” or “health faucet,” you’ll typically find this hand-held spray nozzle attached to the wall next to a toilet. Instead of pressing a button for automatic cleaning, you have to operate it like a kitchen sink sprayer: point, aim for your ass, and squeeze the handle.
If you’re not careful, you’ll spray your fecal debris all over yourself (or the bathroom wall), so start with the lowest water pressure and work your way up.
How to Use a Standalone Bidet
Standalone bidets are notoriously confusing for tourists because they’re positioned right next to the toilet. They look like a hybrid between a sink and a toilet bowl—and if we’re being honest, this might be the most confusing (and inefficient) way to wash your butt.
You start by straddling the bidet, facing the fixture (you’ll probably need to take your pants off for this). Next, align your ass over the nozzle and then turn the knob to release the water. Water temperature is key here. Think of it like a shower: don’t go all-in until you gauge the water with your hands.
Most hotels and residences will have specific wash cloths to dry off with afterwards, so don’t panic if there’s no TP in sight.
How to Use a Portable Bidet
Once you start using a bidet to clean up your daily deuces at home, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without one. But what are you supposed to do at the office, in the wilderness, or at a gas station?
Enter the portable bidet.
Also called a travel bidet or a handheld bidet sprayer, this gadget is about the size of a water bottle. Portable bidets are a lifesaver for people who suffer from hemorrhoids and other genital health issues, since toilet paper can injure your anus and is less sanitary.
To use it, just fill it up with warm sink water, screw on the nozzle, hold it under your butt, and squeeze away. Once you’ve blasted the poop away, rinse off the bidet in the sink before washing your hands.
Do You Need to Wipe If You Use a Bidet?
There is a long, simmering debate as to whether wiping is necessary after using a bidet. If your bidet has a drying function, wiping might seem like an exercise in futility. However, a maintenance wipe can help you ensure no residual feces linger around your anal area.
According to one environmental group, we use enough toilet paper to wrap around the planet every two minutes, or stretch to the sun and back every ten days. Scientific American reports that switching to bidets could save 15 million trees.
Turns out a bidet is a win-win for your personal hygiene...and planet earth.