8 Reasons to Never Buy Toilet Paper Again
It’s time for a quick history lesson: toilet paper was invented in 1857 by a dude named Joseph Gayetty. Around that time, there were only 32 states in America—people rode horses to work and used kerosene to get rid of lice.
We’ve come a long way over the past 160+ years, except for the whole toilet paper thing. In a time where we unlock smartphones with our faces and send people to the moon, tree pulp is still (shockingly) the default material for personal hygiene.
It’s long overdue for humanity to take a stand against toilet paper, and not just because it’s an archaic invention. As you’re about to learn, toilet paper isn't the the ultra-soft, ultra-strong stuff you thought it was: It's a biohazard, and even costs America hundreds of millions of dollars in lost productivity.
If you’re still on Team Toilet Paper, these eight points will give you more than enough evidence to pitch your primitive wiping material.
1. It Injures Your B-hole
If you’re an aggressive wiper, toilet paper can do some serious damage to your B-hole, even if it's the angel soft aloe variety. According to the American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons, up to 5% of Americans (mostly men) suffer from Polished Anus Syndrome, which can be caused by getting overzealous with that stone age two ply you’re using. Unless you’re cool with waiting eight to 12 weeks for anual fissures to heal, we suggest you ditch TP for good. And don't even get us started on paper towels.
2. It’s Embarrassing to Buy
Toilet tissue trouble isn't limited to the bathroom. Have you ever tried to subtly buy toilet paper? It’s a near-impossible feat that inevitably ends in embarrassment at checkout aisles. Most toilet paper is sold in colossal mega rolls that necessitate being hoisted over your shoulder, implying to onlookers that you alone poop more than a family of four. Even if you do, it’s not exactly something to brag about.
3. It Doesn’t Clean You Up
Contrary to what you’ve been told in the past, wiping with toilet paper doesn’t actually clean up your poop residue, it just smears it around your undercarriage. Accordingly, millions of dudes are walking around with dirty third pits without a care in the world.
You wouldn't bathe by rubbing yourself with a dry towel, and you should treat your ass with the same respect.
But don’t just take our word for it. Rapper and singer Will.i.am once said: "Here’s proof on why people should have [butt] wipes...Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You’re going to get chocolate in the cracks."
You could use a bidet, but if you're in the United States those are pretty rare.
4. It Costs America $300 Million In Lost Productivity
Thought toilet paper only had physical consequences? Think again. In addition to hurting your bunghole, you’re hurting the economy as well.
The average dude spends 30 minutes per year looking for the end of the toilet paper roll, resulting in $300 million per year in lost productivity. Let’s all make the fiscally responsible choice to gain those 30 minutes back with some proper wiping utensils.
5. It Causes Divisive Debates
Over or under?
The simple question of how toilet paper should land on a roll has fueled a heated debate that’s divided friends, families, and coworkers for centuries. There’s even a Wikipedia entry for the subject that’s longer than entries for most wars.
6. It’s Infested With Bacteria
In a shocking study from 2011, scientists discovered that toilet paper is one of the main culprits for spreading bacteria in public bathrooms. When toilet paper dispenser is hung near a toilet, it frequently rubs up against the germ infested wall behind it. On top of that, people put their fecal-fingers all over the roll when they look for the end of the roll and rip off a few sheets.
So, if you’re a public pooper, that could mean you’re swapping butt bacteria with other dudes.
7. It Can Clog Your Toilet (Or Someone Else’s)
There are few scarier sights than flushing a toilet and watching the water rise—especially if you’re not on home turf. If you’ve just let loose a sloppy deuce, it can take half a roll of traditional toilet paper to clean up that war zone down under. Even though it's flushable, many toilets can’t handle those enormous poop-paper combos, creating a clog.
If you want to spare yourself from the shame of asking your host for a plunger, we have you covered.
8. It Gets Stuck To Your Hair
It goes without saying that toilet paper isn’t the sturdiest of substances. Naturally, it can fall apart during a heavy cleanup of your hind-quarters. You know what that means: tiny clumps of used toilet paper tangled into your butt hair.
Now, in addition to injuring your anus, smearing fecal matter all over yourself, and hurting the economy, you have to pick tissue clumps out of your ass. Good times.
Given all of this evidence, the debate is settled: All of that Scott, Charmin, Quilted Northern, and Cottonelle belongs in the graveyard of obsolete inventions along with fax machines and cassette tapes. Joseph Gayetty may have been a genius back in 1857, but a sanitary revolution is long overdue. When you’re ready to switch teams, we’ll be waiting for you.